Signs of Emotional Abuse in Sibling Relationships

The saying, “Blood is thicker than water,” is meant to convey the longevity, strength, vitality, and staying power of some relationships over others. Those you consider your kinfolk are people with whom you have deep ties, the kinds of ties that you can build your life upon. You’re meant to be able to rely on the people in your family because of, well, family ties. However, what is meant to be and what is doesn’t always align.

Some of the most painful relationships people have are with those they’re supposed to be closest to. Misunderstandings, open conflict, and many other issues crop up in relationships with loved ones, and what is meant to be a safe and nurturing space can become hostile and uninhabitable. The relationship between siblings, for instance, can become emotionally abusive.

The Nature of Emotional Abuse

The word ‘abuse’ can conjure any number of images, and you may find it hard to associate that word with the relationships in your life. For others, it could be all too easy to see how interactions with loved ones can rightly be called abusive. ‘Emotional abuse’ refers to a wide variety of behaviors that insult, instill fear, humiliate, isolate you, and serve to control you and your behavior.

Emotional abuse is also sometimes called psychological or mental abuse. Unlike physical abuse, which can result in visible scars, a person doesn’t have to lay a hand on you to emotionally abuse you. There are many ways a person can frighten you, manipulate, or control you, perhaps using their words or by taking certain actions. The abuse may be gradual or intense and persistent, and sometimes it can be interspersed with kindness and warmth.

One of the realities of emotional abuse is that it can happen in any relationship, and that includes between a parent and child, spouses, siblings, friends, colleagues, an employer and their employee, and even between neighbors. Some of the patterns of abusive behavior may have become so familiar that they stop feeling inappropriate, even though they are deeply harmful and unloving. This makes it imperative to know the signs of emotional abuse.

Some Signs of Emotional Abuse Between Siblings

The sibling relationship can be a fractious one, even at the best of times. ‘Sibling rivalry’ is so commonplace that many people with siblings know exactly what that looks like. From Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, David and his brothers, the Pevensies (Narnia), King Claudius and King Hamlet (Shakespeare’s Hamlet), and many other sibling relationships we encounter in Scripture and literature, it seems clear that sibling relationships can be difficult.

Sibling relationships can be beautiful, with innocent ribbing, laughter, and competitiveness that might never fade even as the siblings grow older. There may also be other patterns in the relationship that are less healthy, including emotionally abusive ways of relating to one another. Emotional abuse in sibling relationships can manifest in a variety of ways, including the following:

Constant criticism It’s one thing to nudge one another toward greatness, and quite another to nitpick and constantly criticize. If a sibling constantly criticizes or belittles their sibling, that could suggest emotional abuse. One way to identify constant criticism is that it is rarely, if ever, accompanied by genuine compliments, words of encouragement, or a celebration of successes.

Manipulation Making someone do something they don’t want to do is called manipulation, and it can happen in different ways. One sibling might use guilt, self-pity, or anger to try to control their sibling’s behavior or choices. The aim is to bend the other’s will; it happens in diverse ways, and it is a form of emotional abuse.

Put-downs or name-calling Sibling relationships often involve humor of one kind or another. There is a difference, however, between this and the use of insults or derogatory language that hurts or demeans the other person. Humor that humiliates or diminishes the other person, making fun at the expense of their dignity, and putting them down is a form of emotional abuse.

Exclusion It’s common for siblings to have dynamic relationships with one another. If there are three or more siblings, there will be some who get along more than others, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It can become problematic when siblings go out of their way to exclude one sibling from conversations or activities without just cause. That exclusion could be a form and sign of emotional abuse.

Blame–shifting Another sign of emotional abuse is when one sibling blames another for their problems or their own mistakes. Instead of taking responsibility for their decisions and their outcomes, the emotionally abusive sibling takes to blaming others for this.

Belittling accomplishments Another sign of emotional abuse is when one sibling’s accomplishments are belittled or dismissed. Instead of celebrating their wins, they are dismissed or discounted as inferior or unimportant.

Over-protection A surprising sign of emotional abuse is when one sibling is overly protective of the other. There may be a reason why this pattern began, but when it begins to stifle the other sibling’s autonomy and sense of independence, it becomes problematic.

Comparisons Another sign of emotional abuse is when one sibling makes constant comparisons of one sibling to another, with or without the intention to create feelings of inadequacy in their sibling. Making comparisons may also include playing favorites between siblings, which can create emotional distress and resentment.

Gaslighting Denying or distorting reality, including making one’s sibling question their sanity, perceptions, or memory, is called ‘gaslighting’, and it is a sign and manifestation of emotional abuse. This could include denying previous conversations or agreements, minimizing the other’s feelings by calling them ‘oversensitive’, or by sowing conflict and mistrust between siblings.

The Impact of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can affect a person in the short as well as long term. One of the outcomes of emotional abuse is that it can result in low self-worth and a negative self-image. Being constantly criticized or put down can erode one’s confidence in oneself. They can start distrusting themselves, their skills, their perceptions, and even their dreams. Emotional abuse can crush a person’s spirit and diminish their sense of self.

Another possible outcome of emotional abuse is having challenges with one’s mental and emotional health. The chronic stress and emotional pain that emotional abuse brings can be contributing factors to concerns such as depression and anxiety. Depending on the severity of these, they can impact daily functioning and the ability to handle everyday tasks, which affects work, school, and other activities.

The things that happen today can have echoes into the future. Emotional abuse can subtly and overtly change a person’s expectations of relationships, and it can affect a person’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships in the future. A person can become trapped in a cycle of abusive relationships with partners or other significant relationships because of experiences of emotional abuse.

Finding Support and Healing from Emotional Abuse

Even though emotional abuse leaves its mark on a person’s life, it doesn’t have to dictate their future. It’s possible to bring change into your life, to find healing and wholeness even after emotional abuse has caused damage. You can write a new story and start life on a new path.

To find healing, it’s important to recognize the signs of emotional abuse for what they are. Intuition or other loved ones might suggest that something isn’t quite right in your relationship with your sibling. Perhaps interacting with them always leaves you feeling tired, on edge, doubtful of yourself, or down. Take those signs seriously and consider what they may be telling you about the nature of your relationship.

It is also important to set healthy boundaries with your siblings to promote your integrity, autonomy, and well-being. Set limits and clear consequences against being called names or criticized. If a sibling makes you feel unsafe during family gatherings, you can step away from such gatherings or be present only when others around you can act as effective buffers.

Having open communication between siblings also makes a difference. Expressing your discomfort at a particular dynamic in your relationship could spark change, and having those uncomfortable but honest conversations can make a difference.

Lastly, know that you don’t have to do this alone. If you’re uncertain whether what you’re experiencing from your siblings is emotional abuse, you can talk with a trusted loved one or seek support from an impartial third party like a counselor.

A professional counselor can help you identify emotional abuse, pinpoint any underlying issues and unhealthy dynamics in your relationship, and help you find healthy ways to deal with these challenges. To learn more and to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other highly-trained counselors in our online directory, contact our office today.