Does a Gentle Parenting Approach Help or Hurt Children’s Mental Health?

Decades of research show that a parenting style has a significant impact on children’s mental health, so how do you know which parenting style helps? Which approaches are hurting, and how can you make the shift to help your child or teen?

These are all questions that modern parents are asking, especially as it relates to a popular parenting approach known as gentle or mindful parenting. Popularized in a best-selling book, this approach leans on an engaged form of parenting that recognizes children as children and offers respect and empathy.

This approach to parenting is a cultural highlight rather than a psychological term. There are some cues that can be taken from this parenting approach that can help children’s mental health.

As a child develops, he or she isn’t capable of emotional regulation like an adult is. Development implies that a child is still growing, learning, and developing in emotional resilience, sensory processing, brain health, understanding, and empathy. Recognizing a child’s need to be approached as though they’re still children has been shown to have a positive impact on a child’s mental health, but it’s not called gentle parenting.

Children’s Mental Health and Attachment Theory

Attachment theory has long since been researched and shown to correlate to a child’s well-being. It is the theory that a parent’s or caregiver’s early bond with a child impacts their socio-emotional development. While there are several types of attachment theory, the one that closely mirrors a version of mindful parenting is secure attachment.

A caregiver who provides this type of bond is attentive to a child’s needs and responsive to them. The child learns to see this parent as a safe place where they can express their emotions and be heard without shame, abandonment, or ignorance.

Characterized by making sure they’re available and calm, these parents are not perfect but display a presence that makes a child feel safe. The research shows secure attachment practices are especially impactful during the child’s first two years of life.

One important aspect of secure attachment is a parent’s willingness to identify any areas in their own life where they struggle with social and emotional regulation. It’s closely linked with what gentle parenting teaches about awareness.

A cornerstone of gentle parenting is that a parent is aware of a child’s developmental stage and responds appropriately. Where it has received some criticism is in the incomplete definition that makes the parenting approach seem like parents are permissive or that they need to be perfect in their responses to a child’s needs.

A secure attachment style sheds light on this misunderstanding by taking a wider lens. Secure attachments can be built and repaired through a parent’s willingness to seek counseling if they need it, recognize their own needs, and respond with gentleness to themselves, too.

Research indicates that a securely attached child is less likely to develop anxiety and depression. This indicates aspects of the gentle parenting approach that can be beneficial to a child’s mental health.

Gentle Parenting’s Drawbacks

There is little research to suggest that gentle parenting is harmful to children’s mental health, but applying the gentle parenting approach incorrectly or inconsistently can make a child more vulnerable to normative developmental patterns. When a parent does not provide clear boundaries, for example, a child may be confused and reliant on a parent to make decisions for them.

Yet at certain developmental milestones, an adolescent must be allowed to develop autonomy and take age-appropriate risks. These help build self-awareness, problem-solving skills, and the ability to be independent as they get older.

If the gentle parenting approach is misconstrued to mean permissiveness, lacking accountability, and allowing a child to make decisions that a parent should be making, then it is incomplete and can be confusing for children. A more appropriate application of mindful or gentle parenting is recognizing a child’s feelings, allowing room for a child to express those emotions, and maintaining a calm but firm boundary.

One example of an accurate portrayal of mindful parenting is when a 10-year-old screams and stomps up to her room because her parents have maintained that she can’t have a phone. Letting her calm down and following the outburst with a calm conversation shows respect for the adolescent while not moving the boundary.

A gentle parenting response may look like: “I can tell you are upset by this decision, but your father and I believe it’s best for your well-being to wait until you’re older to get a phone. We’re here to listen if you want to talk about how you feel or ask any questions, but we are not going to change our minds.”

This shows empathy, support, and age-appropriate boundaries that give a child or adolescent structure. Without structure and clarity, a gentle parenting approach may cause an inverse parent-child relationship. The parent is in the child’s role, and the child is in control because they’re able to get their way and aren’t given consequences for poor choices.

Another example is when a twelve-year-old is used to his mom packing a lunch for him. The antithesis of a gentle parenting approach would be to just not send a lunch one day without preparation or conversation. This would be confusing and a harsh way to teach a child a lesson.

Instead, the gentle parenting approach, correctly applied, would mean having a few conversations with the adolescent about how he is old enough to pack his own lunch now. Asking questions about what kinds of things he wants to pack, communicating healthy boundaries, and preparing the adolescent for how to pack the lunch is kind. It shows compassion and supports a clear parent-child connection.

Natural consequences, then, would also mean that after a child has been given opportunities to practice packing his lunch (including some failures or forgetfulness), he’s expected to remember it. A natural consequence for the adolescent’s willful choice not to pack a lunch would be to go without it or to problem-solve and possibly share a friend’s lunch.

This reminds a child that taking responsibility for his actions is important, and it helps a child develop resilience. The parent choosing not to rescue a child from his choice to skip lunch-packing isn’t harmful at this point because it allows the adolescent to make the connection between personal choice and natural consequence.

Gentle Parenting and Anxiety

One anecdotal benefit that families find when they take an appropriate, gentle parenting approach is that it can boost parent-child communication and help the family atmosphere to be calm and clear. When there is discord or confusion in the home, families tend to struggle with communication. This can set up a child with unfair expectations if left to his own devices.

It could also diminish a bond that had been built where parents were once a safe place for a young child, but changes when he’s older. He feels like he can’t talk to his parents when he has made a mistake or does not know how to handle complex emotions, fears, or worries. Gentle parenting approaches that are healthy mirror a supportive family environment where teens can ask questions, confide in parents, and ask for help.

When a child develops anxiety or feels anxious, a gentle parenting response can mean the difference between getting the appropriate services or not. For example, if a teen says she’s feeling worried about friendship issues at school, a dismissive approach that may seem kind is, “I think you will be okay. This is just a phase, and everyone goes through it.”

On the other hand, a gentle parenting approach is to listen, recognize she’s feeling anxious about something that matters to her, and ask how you can support her at this time. If the issue persists, a parent may help the teen understand that seeking the help of a professional licensed therapist can give her the tools to cope with anxiety and difficult friendship complexities.

A child’s mental health is too important to let them make the decision themselves. If the anxiety does not seem to be getting better, you can set a kind but firm boundary that respects your child’s needs and communicates your role as a parent. “I want to support you the best way I know how, and I think a therapist would be helpful. I’m going to set up the appointment, but I will be there with you if you’d like, and we’ll see what she has to say together.”

If you would like help with parenting, our offices are equipped with support for the entire family. Contact us today, and we’ll help you discover the next right step for your situation.