What Is Infidelity? 3 Steps To Take If You Find Unfaithfulness In Your Life

by Marcia Deah

Love is understood, in a historical way, as one of the great human vocations – but its counterspell has always been infidelity. This terrible, terrible betrayal that can tear apart not only another person, not only oneself, but whole families. – Junot Diaz

When I think of the question, what is infidelity? I think of a deep wound that travels through the body and pierces each part that creates the beautiful bonds of fidelity. To truly understand infidelity, you must truly experience fidelity.

So now the question is, what is fidelity? Fidelity is a commitment to steadfastness, loyalty, and faithfulness to the promises created in relationships, particularly romantic partners. It’s a deep level of intimacy that involves not only sex but also emotional faithfulness, relational loyalty, integrity in words and actions, and sexual exclusivity.

Emotional Faithfulness This involves being honest and transparent with your partner. It protects the emotional bonds the partners have created through consistency, communication, and trust. It requires dedication to not form secret or intimate attachments outside the relationship.

Relational Loyalty It involves keeping the promises between you and your partner, showing up consistently and always prioritizing your relationship over temptations and possible distractions.

Integrity in Your Words and Actions This includes always telling the truth, having open and honest communication, no matter how hard it is to say or to hear. You must align your behaviors with your values. You must be trustworthy even when your partner is not around.

Sexual Exclusivity This is exactly how it sounds. Not breaking the physical boundaries you have agreed upon. In monogamous relationships specifically, it is the choice not to engage in sexual or romantic relations with others.

In simplest terms, fidelity is exactly what the scripture tells us. Fidelity is Love. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

When fidelity is broken, we enter the realms of infidelity. Once we are in these waters, it can be like trying to swim in the ocean against the current. If you continue to go against the current, the harder it will be to stay afloat. However, if you start to go with the current, eventually, with intention, with faith, with love, and with the following three steps, you can overcome the depths of infidelity.

Three Steps for the Partner Who Was Unfaithful

Take full ownership without defensiveness

It is natural to be defensive, even when we are in the wrong. Infidelity can only be a factor in a committed and love-filled relationship. If you are reading this article, I guess that betraying your partner was not a proud moment for you. This is why it is important to acknowledge the choices you made and the impact they had on everyone involved.

This means taking full ownership of your behaviors. You cannot minimize your actions. You must eliminate the urge to defend yourself. Avoid statements such as “yes, but…” Taking ownership will require humility and be foundational in the repair of your relationship.

Explore the internal drivers behind the affair

This may be one of the hardest parts of the repair process. Telling your partner, whom you hurt and betrayed, that you felt a void in your relationship. At times, this has absolutely nothing to do with your partner; it may be internal factors. Unfortunately, it is often more than one reason.

Could it be an emotional disconnection? Do you feel that you and your partner are emotionally aligned? Are you avoiding the truth? Are there needs that you have that are being unmet, or vice versa, are there needs that you are not willing to meet? Are there some personal wounds that have not been addressed or not healed? Understanding the “why” is important because then we can fix the issues instead of repeating the same patterns that caused the disruptions.

It is important to understand yourself and what you need to invoke true change and partnership. These are some questions to begin with, but you will need to explore them not only with your partner, but with the assistance of a licensed couples therapist (such as me). A licensed therapist would be beneficial simply for support and guidance, and most importantly, an unbiased perspective.

Offer consistency, transparency, and repair behaviors

Again, this could be achieved with you and your partner; however, counsel from a licensed provider will reap better results. There will be questions that your partner has. You will need to answer them with care and honesty.

Your partner will need a lot of reassurance and gentleness. Showing them that you are reliable will be crucial because you have shown yourself unreliable with their heart. Being empathetic will go a long way toward re-earning your partner’s trust and regaining clarity.

3 Steps for the Partner Who Discovered the Affair

Stabilize your internal world

You have just been hit with a big fat boot to the chest. The air in your lungs has been snatched from your body suddenly, and now you are expected to breathe anyway. It feels unfair, and it is! You made a commitment to your partner, and they broke your agreement. So, before you can begin to understand what caused the rupture, you must first slow down your nervous system and stabilize your emotions.

Utilize grounding techniques and learn how to breathe steadily again. Utilize healthy coping skills that will assist you in working through the infidelity. Try journaling your journey so that you can recognize where you are healing and where you need more work. Talk it out with someone you trust but be careful with this option as it can have repercussions. Your goal needs to be clarity, so you have to work on reducing reactivity as much as possible.

Identify what you need to feel safe

Remember safety is always the top priority and the backbone of the operation. Without felt safety, you will not be able to work through anything. Your emotional safety will require honesty, transparency, and reassurance from your partner. Identifying your physical safety will mean holding on to your space, your boundaries, and even your routines.

A big part will also be relational safety. You will want to know the whys and, at times, certain details. Understand that some details are unnecessary to know. Knowing certain details can be more detrimental than just leaving it be. When you can identify your needs, this will help calm some of the chaos.

Express your experience without self-blame

With your partner, share the impact their behaviors have on you and your relationship. Avoid further accusations while remaining true to how the actual betrayal has affected you. When you can talk through these hurts with your partner, it helps you reclaim your voice and helps the relationship move forward positively toward repairing.

Three Steps for Healing as a Couple

Rebuild safety together

As stated above, the relationship will need the restoration of emotional stability. This will look like creating predictable routines and communication with one another. Sometimes this may entail overly communicating with your partner until trust is restored. You will need to practice being transparent with one another, so you do not feel the need to babysit your partner’s every move. It is not fair to you, them, or the relationship.

It does not create a sense of stability; it creates surveillance. You need to agree on boundaries that will help you both feel grounded and supported. Remember that even though betrayal is the reason you are in this situation, there were still underlying factors that contributed to this.

So, slow down, allow the conflict to settle through your hard work, and do not overwhelm yourselves. Think of safety as your soil. Without your safety, nothing will grow. Read my article on forgiveness because this will also play a major factor in your safety.

Rebuild understanding through honest dialogue

Since you have safety as your soil, and forgiveness as your fertilizer, you have already begun the growth process. Since you are doing the work to grow, you can now make meaning of what has happened. In this step, you will practice sharing your emotions without attacking each other (easier said than done).

The best way to do this is to listen with an ear for understanding, not to defend yourself or your behavior. As hard as it will be, you must seek to understand not only the impact, but also the unmet needs on both ends. In therapy, we can work on your relationship narrative. What was the relationship before, what is it now, what do you see it as in the future?

Understanding your story will help reduce confusion, resentment, and assumptions in your relationship. You will begin to see the full picture rather being stuck in your own hurt, story, guilt, shame, or unforgiveness.

Rebuild connection through intentional repair

In this step, you will create a new relationship – the final draft. This will not be your story moving forward. It will be a chapter of your past. You will need to practice consistency with your partner. Be determined to repair using some of the skills I mentioned above, such as empathy, reassurance, accountability, honesty, openness, forgiveness, etc.

It will also be helpful to rebuild your trust through small, steady, and reliable action steps. Relationships thrive from intimacy. Yes, you will have to be intimate with your partner again. You have to be willing to be vulnerable for real change to take place in your lives. You will have to intentionally re-establish emotional intimacy and even physical intimacy.

You will need to create goals and shared meaning. What is your vision for the relationship, and how can you create rituals or routines to ensure your healthy relationship? Your healing is not about the old relationship; it’s about building a new, stronger, safer, and more connected relationship than ever before.

These last three steps happen simultaneously with the previous steps. You can heal; your relationship is not only survivable, but it is capable of pure, undeniable happiness and love. I would love to be the therapist you choose to help you through this fragile time in your relationship. Book a session with me and let’s work toward rebuilding your connection together.