Help for Single Moms (Older Mom Edition)

When people hear about the struggles of the single mom, most think of the young mother juggling her new responsibilities of parenthood with the naivety of youth and maybe even the financial hardships most people face in their young adult lives. But not many people think of or acknowledge the unique struggles that some older moms face.

Perhaps society thinks that women, moms in particular, have life all figured out when they reach a certain age. Maybe they think that they don’t need the practical help they once did because their children are likely older and more self-sufficient.

But the reality that many people don’t understand is the hardship that can come from being an older single mother. Though, as an older mom, you aren’t as likely to be hand-feeding your children or having to hold their hands just to cross the street, you are facing some real and challenging obstacles.

Those Teenage Years

While the “terrible twos” get a lot of press in popular culture, parents of teens might argue that they are a piece of cake compared to the drama of a teenager. Hormones rage, bringing on physical changes in your child’s body and hot tempers you never knew lurked behind those innocent eyes.

Even two-parent households can struggle when their children reach their teens. Children at that age want to push their limits, explore independence, and learn what their true identity is apart from their parents. While there is nothing intrinsically wrong with this normal behavior, the “growing pains” can affect the single mom more than she is likely to admit.

Seeing your child grow into maturity is a beautiful experience, but seeing the comforts, security, and hopes of their childhood fade away is an emotionally daunting experience for parents. When a woman is alone during this time, she might feel particularly isolated, as her once-faithful little companion has grown into their own personhood and is often spending their time with friends or at activities rather than snuggling with mom.

In addition to potential loneliness, the weight of being the sole decision-maker in the household can be excruciating. “What time is curfew?” “When should I let them start dating?” “How do I talk to them about sex?”

These and a million other questions swirl through the single mother’s brain constantly, and without a partner to discuss them with, it can be overwhelming. With sole power also comes sole responsibility. A single mom knows that if she makes the wrong decisions for her child, she will feel responsible for the outcome.

Practical Help

As we age, our bodies no longer function quite the same way as they did in our youth. Mobility issues may intrude on performing everyday activities such as keeping the house clean or mowing the lawn. Without a partner in the house, a single mom might feel the effects of aging a little more harshly than someone who has a partner to take up the slack.

Some people think that mothers who have older children don’t have to worry about getting help with chores. They assume that the children will help fill in the gap where a father should stand. While it’s true that older children can more effectively clean up after themselves, do chores, and don’t need as much supervision, the reality is that the household workload still weighs mainly on mom’s shoulders.

Having children who, theoretically, can help and getting that practical help are two entirely different issues. Some older children have rigorous schedules of their own. Some play sports, participate in school activities such as theater or music, and have to keep up with their schoolwork. So even if the child is willing to help mom with household chores, the reality is that they often get left undone.

Some mothers try to deliberately limit the help they request from their older children. Typical age-appropriate chores are healthy for a child, but when the older child becomes a substitute parent for younger siblings, the weight of responsibility can be too much, and frankly unfair.

Assuming a mother of older children has fewer responsibilities than a mom of littles is unfair and probably untrue. As children get older, their needs shift, but don’t disappear.

Those busy schedules we just talked about? Mom is often the chauffeur of those events, particularly for kids who don’t have their own driver’s licenses. And any parent of active teens knows that they, too, will have a busy schedule.

There are games to cheer at, performances to attend, and other events that require a mother’s attendance. Children’s busy lives equal busy lives for parents, especially those doing it solo.

Facing Reality Alone

Along with all the practical responsibilities of single parenting comes the reality of doing life alone. When the kids are in bed, and mom is left to her own thoughts, it can be overwhelming to think about the reality of navigating life alone. Not just in this season, but in the next. And the next.

Loneliness is one thing, but the harsh reality of facing an empty nest that is truly empty, void of a partner or children, can be saddening and overwhelming.

The idea of growing old is daunting, too. It’s overwhelming for most people, even those with a partner, but growing old alone is a whole other world. “Will I be alone forever?” “Who will take care of me in my old age?”

These types of questions will haunt a single mom in still hours and create stress. Dreams of “growing old” with a partner may seem out of reach, and the reality that it might never actually happen can cause not only grief for unrealized dreams but anxiety about the future.

Therapy

One of the most helpful tools in a single mom’s toolbox is therapy. Therapy can help the older single mom on so many different levels. A therapist can step in to be that adult listening ear that is lacking in many single moms’ lives.

While it won’t replace the intimacy of a lifelong partner, a therapist can fulfill a similar, yet different, vital role. Your therapist can get to know you deeply and well and can help you make the decisions for yourself, your future, and your children that are weighing on your mind.

Most importantly, a Christian counselor can point you back to your loving Heavenly Father who has promised to be a father to the fatherless (By the way, that includes your children.) He also promises to be close to the widow (that includes you, no matter the reason you’re single).

Going to therapy, particularly with a Christian therapist, can also help you work through any trauma that might have happened that caused you to become a single mom in the first place. For some, it might be the trauma following the death of a spouse, for others, it’s the result of a divorce. There are many reasons a woman might find herself single-parenting, and a Christian therapist can help sort through the trauma and obstacles that got her there.

No One Said It Would Be Easy

No one ever said that single parenting would be easy, but for some reason, society thinks older moms need less help. As a single “older” mom, it’s your duty to inform those who hold this point of view.

Graciously share your heart with others who want to help. Accept any assistance you can from those in your ‘village’, whether that comes in the form of transportation for your child or the gift of a home-cooked meal.

And remember, when the going gets tough, the tough fall to their knees and pray for the wisdom and guidance of God. When you feel overwhelmed and alone, know that even though there isn’t a ring on your finger, you’re not parenting solo. You have God and professional therapists on your side.

To schedule an appointment with a professional Christian therapist, contact our office today.