Codependency or Devotion? Signs of a Codependent Relationship

Codependency can look so much like devotion that you might not notice it slipping into your relationship. You might think of it as being there for someone. You might even reward yourself for being helpful or for having a servant’s heart. And sure, some of this dedication is love, but in some cases, what is labeled as devotion is actually fear. The fear of being rejected, alone, or simply not being needed.

Codependency In Marriage

Consider the story of Amber and Kenneth. After several years of marriage, it became apparent that the couple had fallen into traditional gender roles in their union. Kenneth worked outside the home, and Amber was a stay-at-home mom. From the outside eye, they looked like the poster family for love, tradition, happiness, and contentment. That changed when Amber went on a trip.

When Amber and the kids left home for a week to visit her parents, Kenneth unraveled. He didn’t know how to function without Amber. He skipped meals, forgot important work deadlines, and called or texted her nonstop. At first, Amber felt flattered, needed even. But by the fourth day, her phone anxiety was through the roof.

That’s when a realization hit her. She hadn’t just been supporting Kenneth in their marriage; she had been managing him. What she had thought was love had changed. Her selfless, sacrificial devotion was starting to look suspiciously similar to dependency. He depended on her to manage the details of his life, and she needed that to feel valued.

It was a painful realization. Because if she were honest, Amber didn’t actually feel cherished, but responsible. And with that responsibility came exhaustion and resentment. Kenneth wasn’t abusive or even unkind. He often praised Amber for being on top of things and said he didn’t know what he would do without her. But that was exactly the problem. He didn’t know what he’d do without her.

That codependency tied her to a rigorous lifestyle where she became responsible not only for her own life, the children, and the household, but for Kenneth’s responsibilities too. She panicked when she thought about what life would look like if she stopped doing everything.

Codependency In Friendship

Codependency can sneak into friendships, too. Friends within friend groups often fall into stereotypical roles. There’s often that one friend who will drop everything to be there for their friends in crisis. They are the caregiver and often take pride in being the parent of the group or have been labeled the strong one or the most reliable. And while there is nothing wrong with being dependable, if that dependable person is you, you run the risk of being too needed.

Maya was the go-to friend. She was always the one who answered her texts and hosted the parties. While she often made comments about wanting to avoid drama, she was the first to gravitate to it.

At first, she loved being the center of attention and the first one to hear the secrets, but after a while, she began to feel like an unpaid therapist, not a friend. And when a crisis hit her and she reached out to other friends in her social circle, she was met with unanswered phones and unread texts. Because she was no longer available to be the emotional weight bearer, she was no longer sought after.

The people she’d poured herself into didn’t seem to care about her at all now that she was the one in need. Then it dawned on her that for all those years she had been trading her emotional support for a false sense of connection. Her worth in these relationships had been tied to what she could do for her friends rather than who she was as a person.

Codependency In Families

Codependency is quite common in families and is sometimes passed down like an heirloom. “That’s just what we do for each other” may resemble loyalty and devotion, but it can also create a cycle of codependency. This is especially true when one person’s needs constantly eclipse everyone else’s. Love is often confused with sacrifice, especially when it is modeled that way from an early age.

Jonah grew up watching his mom run herself ragged caring for everyone else, and now, as an adult, he finds himself doing the same thing for his aging parents. At first, it felt like the right thing to do and the natural progression of life. Checking in daily, managing their appointments, and sacrificing weekends to fix things around the house became the norm.

As months passed, he realized that the rest of his life was being neglected. He was no longer able to go out with friends, and those neglected friendships had started to fade. Jonah was constantly exhausted and hid his anger under the convenient umbrella of nobility. And the worst part was that his parents had come to expect his help without question or even the slightest appreciation.

What started as love had quickly turned to obligation. And Jonah, like many others, felt trapped because he confused setting boundaries with being selfish.

The Role of God

Sometimes it’s easy to confuse codependency with a spiritual calling. You might feel a bit of pride when you tell others you have the heart of a servant. You lay down your life for others, trying to love them as Jesus did. And while there’s absolute beauty in sacrificial love, there’s also a necessity for boundaries. God never asked you to be someone’s Savior. That position has already been filled.

Yes, Jesus washed feet, but He also walked away from crowds to find a place of rest. He healed, but he didn’t chase people who rejected Him. He served others, but He didn’t enable them. In other words, Jesus knew when to say “no”.

If your devotion to others is draining the life out of you, it might be time to pause and ask if what you are doing is actually what God is asking you to do. Or are you motivated by another emotional payoff? Because God’s love is free, it doesn’t entangle you. It invites generosity and responsibility, but He doesn’t base your identity on performance. While humility is a beautiful thing, you’re not required to disappear just so that someone else can thrive.

The Bible emphasizes what has been called the second greatest commandment, which is: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31, NIV) This idea is repeated in other verses as well:

And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ – Matthew 22:39, NIV

‘Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.’ – Leviticus 19:18, NIV

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ – Galatians 5:14, NIV

It’s important to note that the Bible does not say that you should love your neighbor instead of yourself. It says to love them as yourself.

The command assumes you have a healthy love and regard for yourself. This is not a selfish love, but a form of self-love that demands respect, care, and dignity. You matter too. You’re not commanded to ignore your needs or erase yourself for the sake of others. And that’s the beautiful balance that many people in codependent relationships miss altogether.

Therapy for Codependency: Finding Support for a Codependent Relationship

If you have been stuck in a codependent relationship for years, or even your whole life, it can feel overwhelming to imagine doing things differently or prioritizing yourself. After all, your patterns have probably kept the peace, made others happy, and maybe even earned you some praise, but that doesn’t mean it’s been healthy for you.

Whether you’re the one providing support or the one benefiting from the high of being needed, a therapist can help you identify where love morphed into fear or need. They can help you to build new relationship habits that honor your own worth, while still showing love to others.

Codependency causes you to lose sight of where you end and another person begins. It might look like love or devotion, but true love and devotion don’t erase you in the process. Connect with a therapist to find a better way to love.