The Complexities of Dating Someone with Bipolar Disorder

There are two truths to dating someone with bipolar disorder. Firstly, it is an experience that not everyone will be open to, and secondly, it can be one of the deepest, most meaningful experiences of your life. The determining factor is how well equipped you are to handle the intense ups and downs that come with the territory of bipolar disorder.

Dating someone with bipolar disorder requires open communication, clear boundaries, and realistic expectations. You will only manage to do any of these things when you are familiar with the disorder in general and when you understand how and to what degree it affects your partner. Having a romantic partner with bipolar disorder requires you to love them in the specific way they need to be loved, and to guard yourself.

Ups and Downs in the Relationship

Most people have baggage, residual trauma, and insecurities that bring tension and conflict into a relationship. However, people with bipolar disorder have a mood-altering disorder that acts as a magnifying glass to all of their self-doubts and fears. It’s not uncommon for someone with bipolar disorder to either shy away from romantic connections entirely or else enter into them with a lot of trepidation.

It’s impossible to love someone who won’t allow themselves to be loved. Dating someone with bipolar disorder often means having to be more patient than you realized you could be. You should be prepared for the manic and depressive episodes, and the way your loved one seems to change with either one.

It will require a lot of grace. You must anticipate the hurtful things they will say when manic, and try not to take them personally. You must also prepare for the times when they become emotionally distant and shut you out because they are overwhelmed with shame and exhaustion during their depressive spells.

One of the first things you must consider as you begin dating someone with bipolar disorder is how they are handling the disorder. Some people have been diagnosed for years, are receiving treatment, have a good idea about their triggers, and can roughly anticipate the rhythms of the disorder.

If this is the case, you will be much better prepared for the ups and downs because your partner is prepared for them. Communication will be more open, and there will be less shame and embarrassment involved.

However, some people have either not been diagnosed or are not coping well with their diagnosis. They have little regard for treatment and don’t even attempt to help themselves or their loved ones during mania or depression.

It is harder to be romantically involved with people who take this approach to bipolar disorder because you cannot set boundaries as easily, or support them without draining your personal resources. No relationship can survive when one party has a disregard for their own health and their loved one’s happiness, regardless of whatever disorders are at play.

Practical Things You Can Do at the Start of the Relationship

One of the first steps you must take when dating someone with bipolar disorder is to familiarize yourself with the condition. Do as much research on the topic as you can. Ask your partner questions about their experience, but only do so when they are in a stable mood. Show that you are curious, non-judging, and open to learning so that you can better support them.

More important than doing research or even asking questions is listening. Take note each time they open up about their experience, knowing that no website can teach you as accurately as your partner can when it comes to their lived experience. Listen to what they share concerning what their episodes feel like, and what helps and what doesn’t help.

When it’s appropriate and when they are in a stable mood, have a conversation about their triggers and patterns. Try to determine any early warning signs for a manic episode, such as periods of stress or anger. You will have to figure out how best to respond to these triggers, knowing that there’s not necessarily a way to help them avoid an episode. Knowing their triggers is more of a benefit to you, so that you can anticipate what happens next.

When dating someone with bipolar disorder, one of your major roles will be that of caretaker. It is not a constant role. The disorder is not static and changes somewhat regularly. Bipolar disorder is treatable with medication, which brings emotional balance, and therapy, which helps with their long-term outlook. You can help by encouraging treatment, following up about medication, and accompanying them to doctors’ appointments, if they invite you.

Lastly, in the beginning stages of dating someone with bipolar disorder, it is essential to remember to keep your own life intact. Every healthy relationship is made up of two individuals with unique interests, hobbies, responsibilities, and a life outside of the relationship. It’s easy to let the high demands of a relationship like this become consuming. You must maintain a life outside of the relationship, and do so from the start.

Strapping In for the Long Haul

You cannot maintain a successful long-term relationship unless you take care of yourself. Regardless of how well they manage the disorder, being in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder often means dealing with volatility, caregiver fatigue, and emotional exhaustion. There are several important boundaries you must establish as soon as you see the relationship deepening.

Firstly, it’s important to learn to use ‘I’ statements when establishing boundaries, but also when simply expressing yourself in the relationship. Talk about your experience, your limitations, and your concerns by prefacing statements with “I.” “I feel like I’m the only one making an effort here,” or “I will not tolerate threats, regardless of what episode you are going through,” for example. Establishing boundaries is about protecting yourself, not about changing, shaming, or controlling your partner.

Secondly, never attempt to have important conversations like these during either depressive or manic episodes. Your partner needs to be in a clear frame of mind so that they can fully understand what is being established, with no clouded judgment. You need to be selective about when you have certain discussions when you are dating someone with bipolar disorder.

You must decide and communicate what behavior you will not accept, regardless of whatever episode they are going through. During a manic episode, your partner might say cutting things, accuse you of things you have never done, or become threatening and physically intimidating. They will likely regret everything once the episode passes, but you are never obligated to receive this kind of treatment.

Have an honest conversation about what you will do in the event of them saying hurtful things during mania. Consider having zero tolerance for abusive language, physical aggression, threats, reckless spending, or cheating, all of which commonly happen during manic episodes.

One of the most common areas to affect any relationship, especially in the long term, is finances. People in a manic episode tend to become overly generous and impulsive, and this can cause many financial issues. It’s a good idea to have separate bank accounts for this reason and to refuse their access to your personal funds.

You might also have to consider whether you will help them manage any debts incurred during a manic episode, keeping in mind that you are not obligated to if you have separate accounts.

Lastly, pay attention to your own needs and be generous with yourself. Ensure that you are getting quality sleep, plenty of time with friends, a healthy diet, and enough time alone. While you might not have the same mental health struggles as your partner, your well-being is every bit as important as theirs.

If you are dating someone with bipolar disorder, you could greatly benefit from counseling. You don’t have to go through things alone. We hope that you will be able to find a counselor either by consulting our online catalog or by speaking with someone on our reception team.