Signs That a Relationship Might Be a Trauma Bond

There is an important difference between a trauma bond and bonding over shared trauma. People who have gone through trauma together will often find that their connection deepens because they understand one another in a way no one else can. This can be a vital dynamic to the healing process, and it often involves more than two individuals, as in the case of a group of people or siblings who have navigated trauma together.

A trauma bond, however, describes an unhealthy, codependent connection between two people where one plays the role of the abuser and the other plays the victim. Trauma bonds can be powerful and emotional despite their toxicity, and there are many complex reasons that people find to remain in them.

From Relationship to Trap

It can be hard to gain perspective when you are in a relationship and see how damaging it has become. Few relationships start toxic. The decline is often slow and takes place over a long time. The saying “like attracts like” is true for most people, and sometimes, people connect with their significant others simply because they have been through similar traumatic experiences.

The toxic, abusive, and codependent dynamic might have been apparent to others from the start of the relationship. Sometimes, however, people are drawn to romantic partners and close friends because they act in the same abusive way as their parents or someone from their past.

For example, if a young girl only ever received kindness and affection from her father when she achieved something, she might be confused by the openly affectionate men she encounters later in life.

She might prefer emotionally distant, stoic men because they are what she has become accustomed to. The man might be emotionally avoidant because that is how his parents were, and he might find it satisfying to have a romantic partner who does everything she can to win his affection.

Both are acting out of trauma and have settled into a toxic codependent dynamic that platforms their trauma. Neither can heal their trauma while they remain in the relationship.

Signs That a Relationship Might Be a Trauma Bond

Sometimes, people slowly become aware of the fact that their relationship is not healthy, but they don’t know why that is or what to do about it. Not every toxic relationship is a trauma bond. However, all abusive relationships are damaging. It can be overwhelming to get out of a trauma bond relationship, but a helpful first step is to identify where the problems lie. Let’s consider some of the most common aspects of a trauma bond relationship.

Things are not always bad. Sometimes they’re great, but sometimes they are the worst experience of your life.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. This is a part of life, and it’s healthy to navigate the different seasons together. However, where healthy relationships feel like a road trip, toxic relationships feel like a rollercoaster ride, with extreme highs and lows as opposed to occasional rough patches.

The switch from good times to bad times is often sudden. You might feel emotional whiplash from how sudden things turn. Abusive partners are often quick to beg forgiveness and provide assurance that they will never act that way again, preying on and manipulating their loving, victimized partners.

You find yourself constantly downplaying or excusing your partner’s behavior.

Let’s be clear here: if you have to excuse or downplay your partner’s abusive behavior, you are both in the wrong. They are in the wrong for doing the abusive things they are doing, and you are in the wrong for accepting that behavior and excusing them for it.

There are greater stakes involved when children are part of the dynamic because many trauma bonds take place in marriages or blended families. Adults in relationships ought to be able to handle their emotions, and there is no justification for a single abusive outburst, let alone regular ones.

You know that the relationship is no good, but the thought of leaving is overwhelming.

There is a genuinely strong connection between some abusers and their victimized partners. Even though it’s illogical and clearly damaging for them to stay, they can’t imagine leaving or being in a relationship with anyone else.

People accept the treatment they believe they deserve, and for you to leave a destructive relationship, you might need to work on your self-esteem. Toxic people target their victimized partner’s psyche by lying and manipulating them into believing that they don’t have the strength to leave the relationship.

Even though you want to leave the relationship, you believe that this is the only person who will ever understand you or love you.

Damaged people seek out other damaged people because they feel they deserve each other. With a similarly wounded person, you can lower your mask, show your scars, and not feel exhausted from pretending to have it together.

Shared emotional damage is what lies at the center of most trauma bonds. The abusive partner might have reinforced this notion over the years and made it clear to the victimized partner that they are unlovable to anyone else. The abuser gains all the control and owns their partner as a devotee and an asset.

They dangle love, acceptance, or affirmation over you like a carrot if you can meet certain standards. They move the goalposts every time you near the standard.

Abusers have an innate knowledge of how to manipulate people. They combine that with the intimate things they know about their partners, making for an effective method of abusive control over their partner.

For example, they might know that their partner desperately needs affirmation after growing up with parents who withheld it from them. To keep them invested in the relationship, the abusive partner dangles a promise of commitment for when the partner achieves a new level of success or financial status. These promises are little more than pots of gold at the end of non-existent rainbows. Sometimes it takes years for the victimized partner to realize it.

You’re always thinking about them, with little capacity to think about anything else.

Young relationships are exciting because they come with a lot of emotions, hormones, and new experiences. Having a crush that you can’t stop thinking about is almost a rite of passage for teenagers and young adults. However, as we age, this dynamic is meant to change in the context of a healthy, mature relationship.

Of course, we think about our partners and still experience butterflies when we’re with them. However, if they are taking up all the space in our thoughts all the time, then that could be a red flag for something besides love. Frankly put, it’s not healthy to be obsessed with our partners to the point of being unable to think about anything or anyone else; an unhealthy dynamic is at play.

Emotional dependency: you only consider them whenever you need emotional support.

Our partners should support us and be available to us when we need them. However, we should also have friends and family that we can rely on. Sometimes, it is our friends and family who know us better than our partners because they have been a part of our lives for longer. If your partner is the sole source of emotional stability, it is an unhealthy dynamic. You don’t truly have a support system; you have someone that you are dependent on.

A Christian Counselor in Keller, Texas Can Help

Trauma bonds can be difficult to break. People often end up being part of a murky, on-again, off-again relationship rather than achieving a clean break. It might be necessary to enlist the help of a Christian counselor in Keller, Texas as you try to exit the relationship.

At the very least, they will provide a space for you to process some of the deep emotions that are bound to surface during the breakup. If you are needing relief of a trauma bond, contact our office today at Texas Christian Counseling, Keller. We would be happy to schedule an appointment for you with a Christian trauma counselor in Keller.