Walking With a Loved One Trapped in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

When you love someone, you want what’s best for them. Challenges come and go in life, but it’s always hard watching others struggle. When those others are people that we care deeply about, the impulse might be to swoop in to rescue or help them out of the situation they’re in. There are wise ways to help others, and well-intentioned but ultimately harmful interventions you can be involved in. It’s good to know the difference as you seek to support loved ones.

Emotional abuse is an all-too-common reality in relationships. Sometimes it’s subtle, and the signs can go unnoticed for a long time. The people around the survivor can feel the effects of emotional abuse, and even when others don’t see it, this form of abuse can leave deep scars in the person who experiences it. In other situations, the emotionally abusive relationship is obvious and easy to spot.

Talking About Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse isn’t always understood, and understanding makes a huge difference if you want to offer effective support to loved ones who are affected by it. Emotional abuse is often complex, and it manifests in several ways. Even though this form of abuse doesn’t leave marks or scars the way physical abuse does, it’s still devastating, scarring a person’s mind and heart. These wounds can go deep, taking years to heal.

One way to describe or talk about emotional abuse is to understand it as an unhealthy pattern of behavior within a relationship. This pattern consists of various behaviors that are intended to belittle, undermine, control, or manipulate another person. The main consequences of these behaviors are that they undermine the other person’s emotional well-being and their sense of self-worth or value.

Emotional abuse instills fear in a person, and it erodes their confidence while leaving serious psychological and emotional distress in its wake. Some of the common forms of emotional abuse include isolating someone from their friends and family, making threats to harm them or to carry out self-harm to manipulate them, humiliating them, constantly criticizing them, and gaslighting them to make them doubt their reality.

Other forms of emotional abuse could include financial control and withholding necessary resources, constantly monitoring the other person’s movements or interactions with others, withholding affection, and calling them names or insulting them. These and other behaviors might become a feature of the relationship, but just because they’ve become normalized doesn’t mean they have a place or belong in the relationship.

There are many different reasons and ways emotional abuse can enter a relationship. As you offer support and seek to uplift a loved one who has experienced an emotionally abusive relationship, do so with compassion and an awareness of how that abuse has affected them.

Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Some of the signs to look out for when it comes to emotional abuse include the behaviors mentioned earlier. If a loved one is constantly getting berated, their mistakes being pointed out publicly in ways that shame or humiliate them, if they’re disconnected and isolated from their support system, or if they’re being threatened or getting shouted at, emotional abuse is being exhibited.

These signs are often easier to discern, but other signs are more subtle. For the outsider as well as the person being abused, recognizing the signs of emotional abuse may be challenging, as the person being abused may not even recognize it as abuse. Sometimes the abuse is masked as concern, and one of the effects of gaslighting is that one begins to doubt their own perceptions. Some other signs to look out for include:

Fear of their partner They fear doing anything to upset their partner, are anxious to please them, or feel the need to tiptoe on eggshells to keep the peace.

Low self-esteem After being in a relationship, a person develops habits such as apologizing excessively, doubting their self-worth, or feeling undeserving of respect and love.

Behavioral changes Becoming increasingly isolated and withdrawn from social activities they enjoyed, or becoming withdrawn from family and friends. A noticeable loss of confidence, anxiety, sudden shifts in mood, or depression could also suggest abuse is taking place.

Justifying the abuser’s behavior Another sign to look out for is when the abused person makes excuses for the abuser’s actions. In some instances, they may even blame themselves for the abuse, repeating negative self-talk and the script the abuser might typically use to justify abusing their partner.

Emotional abuse may result in other issues like stress, a diminished capacity to work or be creative, shame, guilt, a sense of powerlessness, struggles with falling and staying asleep, and physical health issues like chronic pain due to the stress emotional abuse induces.

Some Challenges in Helping Your Loved One

When you see your loved one being abused, or you witness the aftermath of the abuse as they become a diminished version of themselves, it’s heart-wrenching and hard to watch. There are some challenges you might encounter when you try to help or walk alongside your loved one who’s in an emotionally abusive relationship. They may feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment that can make it hard for them to seek help.

Your loved one may also struggle to ask for help for fear of judgment. Earlier, we pointed out that emotional abuse comes into relationships in various ways, and it can make a person internalize blame and come to believe that they are the problem. They may not want to seek help because they’re afraid of being blamed for being in the situation, which leaves them vulnerable and helpless.

Another challenge that you may encounter is denial or minimization of the abuse, either because they don’t see or recognize it for what it is, or because they believe they deserve the treatment they are receiving, and therefore it’s not an issue. This is another way of justifying abusive behavior, but it creates an obstacle to facing the issue and resolving what’s at its heart.

An emotionally abusive relationship can wear a person down, and the best recourse could be to leave the relationship, whether temporarily or permanently. However, if the person is emotionally, financially, or otherwise dependent on their abuser, it can make it difficult to leave the relationship without clear alternatives readily available. Feelings of dependence and fear can prevent one from making necessary changes.

Lastly, another challenge is that the abuser may be manipulative, or they may isolate their victim and turn others against them. Doing this can have the effect of making it harder to offer or receive much-needed support.

How to Walk with a Loved One in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Walking with someone who is hurting requires wisdom, love, and patience. It’s not always easy to offer support, but below are some ways you can help:

Learn about emotional abuse Educate yourself about emotional abuse. When you understand what it is, how it affects people, and some of the underlying causes, it can help you approach the matter with compassion and insight.

Listen without judgment You can be a safe space for them to express their feelings and experiences without fear of criticism or unsolicited advice.

Affirm their worth Emotional abuse can pound negative ideas and thoughts into a person’s head, leading them to a distorted view of themselves. Take the time to gently remind them of their value as a beloved child of God, created in His image and with a purpose (Genesis 1:26-28, Psalm 139).

Pray with and for them Prayer is a powerful tool. The Holy Spirit can minister to them and offer comfort in ways we cannot (Romans 8:15,26-27; 2 Corinthians 1:3-7). Offer to pray together or for them, asking for God’s wisdom, courage, peace, and healing.

Urge them toward professional help It’s important to encourage them without forcing them into anything. While they may need help, giving gentle encouragement to seek help is more effective than applying pressure, which may cause further withdrawal or other issues.

Christian Counseling in Texas

With help, your loved one can find healing and freedom from emotional abuse and its effects. You can recommend and urge them to seek help from pastoral care professionals, support groups, or Christian counselors with training to deal with the complexity of an emotionally abusive relationship. Let them know they can contact us today for more information and to meet with a Christian counselor.