5 Essential Tips For Anger Management

If you interact on any significant level with other people, whether in person or online, it’s likely you’ve gotten angry. Whether you lose your cool because your child digs their heels in and refuses to cooperate with you, a stranger behaves badly by cutting you off in traffic, or a colleague takes credit for an idea, anger is a familiar feeling and experience for most of us, which is why anger management may be required.

Anger is difficult to avoid in life and this article will introduce you to how a therapist might look at anger and what may lie behind it. Years ago I read a book on anger management because I seemed to struggle with bursts of anger and was tired of this quick reaction to events that seemed to cause a level of volitivity that I was surprised and embarrassed by.

I came upon the book, The Rage Within (2001) by Willard Gaylin, who has written about anger as an essential emotion that functions to help you avoid a loss of control over situations and individuals. He suggests that anger seems to reflect that we feel we have lost something and can’t get it back.

I was intrigued by this definition because it went farther than to provide counsel on feelings of explosive anger particularly as sinful and that can provide a compassionate understanding to the meaning of anger rather than the mandate to “stop being angry” that we are taught even as children.

We are told in Scripture to “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV), which indicates that anger per se isn’t the problem, but it’s when anger leads you to sin that it becomes an issue. Does that mean literally to make things right with the person we are angry with before night falls? Or does it mean something perhaps even more therapeutic and healthy?

For example, your anger at your child for not cooperating is rooted in the desire to be respected, and the lack of cooperation violates your sense of dignity and the respect to which you feel entitled. When a person cuts you off in traffic, your sense of safety is threatened, and you respond in anger.

In this way, anger is also a protective emotion because it is most often deployed to protect something that we value, we feel like we have lost this something of value and can’t get it back.

Why does anger need to be managed?

Anger is a healthy and natural emotion to experience. Our bodies are wired to trigger our stress response when we encounter a threat, and this has many benefits for our protection and to help us navigate those kinds of situations. Why then does anger need to be managed, if it isn’t inherently bad or sinful, and it is a natural and healthy emotion to experience?

The problem with anger is that the physiological response it triggers in your body and mind doesn’t make for the best decision-making. Have you ever noticed that when you’re angry you can say and do hurtful things you’d never contemplate in other situations? There’s a reason for that.

When your body is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, that prepares your body for physical exertion to either stand your ground fighting against the perceived threat, or to run away from it. While your mind is sharpened and focused at a certain level of anger arousal, beyond a certain point it causes tunnel vision and the inability to make rational decisions.

When your body is in that state of arousal, you have energy to burn, and you feel like doing something with it. That may be an unwise and unprocessed act, and that’s what often leads to trouble. Anger needs to be managed because left unchecked, you’ll say and do things that harm other people and possibly yourself.

The other side of this might be surprising. You would think that if expressing your anger in any sort of way is likely unhealthy, then holding your anger in is the best thing you can do, right? While self-control is commendable and is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, repressing or suppressing your anger isn’t good for you either. That anger will build up inside you, resulting in you either venting it inappropriately (passively) or having poor health outcomes.

Both holding your anger in and expressing it in harmful ways can damage your physical and emotional health, and this includes high blood pressure, heart attack, greater risk of stroke, increased anxiety, depression, and digestive issues like abdominal pain. That’s to say nothing of the relational damage poorly expressed anger can cause.

Healthy ways to deal with your anger

Anger is a reality we must all live with because we will always encounter people who make comments we don’t appreciate, encounter injustice that makes our blood boil, or our cherished opinions will get challenged.

When this happens, you’ll experience anger, and you can choose to handle it in a healthy way, or let it harm you and others around you. You do not have to let anger rule over you, whether by leading you into ungodly or unlawful behaviors, or by holding it in and harming your health.

The healthy way to deal with your anger is to express it and act on it in constructive ways at the onset of the anger. If encountering an injustice fires you up, use that fire in your belly to do something about it like address the problem at the root.

But what if you really don’t know what is at the root of your anger? For example, when it becomes what we call passive-aggressive anger that covers up the real source or root of the angry response we can lash out at others in a way that is inappropriate or may get us into trouble.

In those situations, what I recommend my clients do is take a moment of “time-out” and ask yourself and the Lord, what has created this anger inside, even rage that you seem to want to visit on others. Ask Him sincerely to show you what you are angry about and humbly ask Him to help you deal with it. Usually, the answer will come to you within a short time and you can ask the Lord to forgive you for not dealing with it promptly and to help you do that now.

Instead of holding the anger in, learn how to not only appreciate the role of anger in your life but also how to be okay with expressing it and to ask God for the help you need to deal with it as He would have you do. This seems to be the answer we are seeing with the “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” portion of that verse in Ephesians.

Therapy with someone who is experienced with this sort of response to anger can help you glean the essence of what has created the anger and she may be able to lead you toward forgiveness if it was a violation by someone, or at least it can be confessed to the therapist who can consider your situation and provide support for the healthy way to resolve the angry feelings, perhaps over time.

It helps when you’re able to forgive and not allow the issue to remain unresolved and that seems to fulfill the “do not let the sun go down” on anger that can avoid the consequences of acting on the feelings of anger immediately and at great cost. When you are unable to give it to God, or speak honestly about it with a therapist or pastor the wound can fester and lodge itself in your heart, controlling your interactions with the person or situation in your life.

5 tips for anger management

If you find yourself struggling with your feelings of anger, whether because your anger tends to come out as a destructive explosion or because you bottle it up until it seeps into your life, there are a few things you can do to manage that anger. Below are 5 tips that can help you deal with your anger effectively and help you develop a healthier relationship with your anger.

Recognize your anger and the fact that it may be out of control. It doesn’t do anyone any good to pretend that you aren’t angry. If you struggle with anger, becoming aware of that fact is a game-changer. One step to take is to accept that anger is a normal emotion that people experience. Normalizing your anger is a great first step on the journey to building a healthy relationship with your anger.

Know your anger triggers

Some people journal as a way to become familiar with their emotional patterns. Knowing what triggers your feelings of anger can help you prepare in advance and calm yourself if you know that certain situations are coming up. Additionally, when you know your triggers, you can take time to pinpoint why you feel angered by certain things. Doing the hard work of processing your anger helps loosen its grip on you.

Build a tool chest of calming techniques

When anger crosses your path, it’s wise to have some ways to calm yourself. Some people use humor to release tension, while others use visualization, deep breathing, or simply walking away from the situation as ways to calm down. For some, writing out their frustrations works well, as does exercise. Additionally, it helps if you can let it go with prayer because resentment can prime a situation for quick anger.

Get better at communication

Part of why anger gets out of control or doesn’t get expressed constructively is because of poor communication. Being able to hear other people’s instructions or concerns helps you avoid misunderstandings that can lead to anger, and it allows you to listen to what is being said without jumping to conclusions.

Hearing someone out without interrupting them can be a great way to help them process their anger, and for you to work through your own. You can learn this, it is a skill!

Learn to express your anger

It’s not healthy to leave anger unexpressed, and that’s why it matters to learn how to say how you feel without losing your cool. Make that your goal and work toward it. Using “I” statements when expressing yourself helps to avoid blame and address the situation and not the personalities involved.

It can help to write a letter or do some roleplaying before talking directly with the person, as long as you keep in mind that the actual conversation won’t be scripted or necessarily play out as you imagined.

Help from anger management counseling

I am dedicated to helping clients as a licensed therapist to work toward resolving your unmanageable (at times) feelings of rage and anger with a therapeutic approach to anger management.

Therapy is not only having someone to talk with about your feelings and but can teach you ways to manage your anger in a healthy way by a professional who knows what unchecked anger can do in your life. Therapy may seem a little scary because it is hard to admit you can’t handle the anger yourself. But I do understand the urge to lash out and also the way to stop hurting yourself and others by doing that.

I can help you with your anger management as a therapist and will help you to patiently understand the underlying reasons for your anger and to gain the hope that you can resolve them. This involves recognizing triggers so you will understand and avoid the quick flashes of rage that become unmanageable easily and can learn ways to articulate your anger clearly without causing harm to anyone.

I can also teach you to conflict resolution techniques and help you develop healthier relationships with others in your life. Anger makes for a good servant, but it is a poor master, which is why the Bible often speaks of being slow to anger as a virtue that promotes a godly life (James 1:19-20). Get help with your anger by reaching out to me today. I will help you.