3 Ways to Heal Your Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment is an overwhelming feeling which can come as a result of earlier experiences in which someone was abandoned or left alone either physically or mentally. It can also come when a person’s source of comfort and safety has been suddenly removed. The result is a feeling of anxiety any time an occasion occurs which triggers the initial emotions.

This can bring paralyzing fear causing emotional barriers to present-day relationships. We may not even know this is the cause for continued ruptured relationships. Fear of abandonment creates an emotional crisis in us leaving a core value that says “You are not wanted, loved, or worth it.” Being separated from someone who was needed and depended upon leaves a person with feelings of overwhelming loneliness, despair, and anxiety.

In many cases, fear of abandonment begins when a person is young. The child is completely dependent upon their caregiver. When the caregiver is no longer available, fear and anxiety develop. Questions arise as to what may have caused them to leave or what could have prevented them from leaving. Other questions go right to the heart as they wonder if they are worthy of love or good enough for someone else as well as wonder what is wrong with them.

This anxiety stays with us, and we begin to view every relationship through this lens. We unknowingly sabotage any good relationships as we bring the past into the present with us. We continually seek validation and approval so that we can feel secure all the while not trusting the motives of the one from whom we seek it.

You are not alone. Many people experience these emotions, and it is possible to move beyond them. As you become aware of this issue in your life, you can then know that there are ways to heal from it.

Characteristics of fear of abandonment

There are common characteristics that may reveal there is a problem with fear of abandonment. Even though it can take various forms, there are some commonalities. Below is a sampling.

• Avoiding rejection or separation through extreme measures (i.e. “clingy”).
• Cycles of unhealthy relationships.
• Difficulty forming friendships.
• Always taking the blame for problems.
• Fear of commitment.
• Hasty attachment to people followed by equally hasty detachment.
• Hypersensitivity to criticism.
• Inordinate people pleasing.
• Difficulty trusting others.
• Fear of rejection.
• Low self-esteem.
• Intense emotional reactions to triggers.
• Avoidance of relationships.

While the list of symptoms is not exhaustive, it does give good understanding of what fear of abandonment looks like. All come from an intense desire to protect oneself from further harm even though the measures themselves can cause more harm. We can carry the abandonment baggage from the past into each new relationship dooming it unnecessarily.

Causes of fear of abandonment

The causes of fear of abandonment are numerous and can come from a variety of circumstances. Feelings of abandonment can be either physical or emotional or a combination of the two. Whatever the case, the circumstance can leave devastating results. Some common causes of fear of abandonment are:

• Parental neglect, either physical or emotional.
• Rejection by peers.
• Divorce.
• Death or desertion of a parent, caregiver, or sibling when you were a child.
• Extended illness of a loved one.
• Sudden abandonment or suspicious behavior by a romantic partner.
• Parent or caregiver left or moved geographically for work or military service.
• The consistent dismissal of one’s feelings or ideas.

Even though these situations occur outside of a person’s control, they can leave a person with an incredible fear that it could happen to them again.

Ways to heal

There are three ways to heal the fear of abandonment. Any one way is a powerhouse on its own but when all three ways work together, real healing from the fear of abandonment can be accomplished.

Remember the character of God

The first way to heal from fear of abandonment is to turn to God for help. In turning to Him we need to understand who He is and trust His character.

God promises in His Word that “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you” (Hebrews 13:5 NLT). These may be difficult words to accept as the very condition of abandonment has proven that everyone or at least the most important people have left us.

It is difficult to believe that God would not leave us too. But we must learn to trust Him. God tells us that He does not lie (Titus 1:2) so we are going to have to begin our journey to healing by taking God at His Word. No one else can be relied upon as we can rely on Him. He is eternally faithful.

God also loves you with an incomprehensible love. No human loves the way He does. He is committed, faithful, gentle, kind, merciful and gracious. All that our human hearts look for from another person is found in Him. He is to receive our primary and highest love. When we understand His character and seek Him as our true source of love and acceptance, our hearts will begin to heal.

Then, we can begin to relate with one another from a place of security and health. God also knows what is wrong before you tell Him. No matter what you have faced in the past, are facing now, or will face in the future, He already knows. He knows your pains and sorrows. He knows the circumstances which brought them. He knows everything about you and wants you to trust Him to handle your pain.

Once we begin to let our defenses down with God, we will begin to feel safe and secure in His presence. God is the Master Healer and as the source of our healing, we can rest in the knowledge that He is far more interested in our healing than we are. As we pursue healing from having been abandoned, God will begin to work out healing in other areas of life as well. He is so good!

Confronting self

The second way to heal from fear of abandonment is to confront yourself. While confronting oneself is not the most popular idea, we must realize there is a need for some introspection. In doing so, we can analyze what is true and what are lies about ourselves, others, or the situation that caused fear of abandonment to arise.

First of all, do some self-confrontation. Acknowledge that you may have abandonment issues. Taking some time to give an honest look at your experiences both past and present will give you a good place to start on the healing journey. This will take courage, but it is a gift to give to yourself. Being open and honest will be incredibly freeing.

It might be helpful to get a journal and spend some quality time identifying, understanding, and processing the fear of abandonment and its causes. Journaling allows you to take your disorganized thoughts and record them so you can better put the pieces together. Once you realize that abandonment is rooted in prior experiences, you can begin to move beyond them. Journaling is also useful for tracking patterns and monitoring growth.

Second, recognize that people may leave your life for any number of reasons, and they may have absolutely nothing to do with you. This truth by itself can be the most freeing.

When someone abandons you, it is common to place the responsibility for the person leaving on yourself. You may assume it was your fault not the wide range of circumstances for their leaving. But it may have nothing to do with you whatsoever.

However, because you view every relationship breach through the lens of abandonment, you naturally turn to self as the reason for the desertion. Instead, people with a fear of abandonment need to recognize it is not always their fault.

It would be helpful to view each circumstance with honesty. Is the person leaving because they found a new job out of state? Is the person overwhelmed with their own life’s circumstances? Is the person sick? Do they have abandonment issues as well? Is the person worthy of your love and pursuit?

If you can be honest and evaluate each circumstance, you may be able to see that the world does not revolve around you. People may have valid reasons for not continuing the relationship and again, it may have nothing to do with you.

Coming to this realization and accepting it will take work but doing the work situation by situation will help to strengthen your security in the relationships that you do have and enable you to let go of the ones that may have naturally run their course.

Next, take responsibility for poor behavior against others. If we have hurt someone else, we need to ask for forgiveness and seek to repair the relationship as best we can. Trying to understand how we hurt someone else will help prevent it from happening to the next person. As we choose to live in a healthier way, we will begin to attract healthier relationships.

Lastly, forgive those who have hurt you. Forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting. We need to be discerning, which is how we know not to enter into certain types of relationships again.

However, forgiveness releases the debt we feel is owed to us. Holding onto the hurt and pain is a form of torment. Often, the only one who continues to hurt is us. Letting go of the cause of fear of abandonment and the person who caused it will bring much-needed relief to your soul.

Counseling

Going to see a Christian counselor is the third way to heal from fear of abandonment. Sometimes we may need further support. Talking with someone who understands these things can be especially beneficial. We can gain perspective we may never have gotten on our own. Having those conversations with a professional may be what is needed to achieve a breakthrough.

Christian counseling may be especially helpful. A Christian counselor will be able to walk with you and help you work through the fear of abandonment while helping you to understand your value in God’s eyes and help you find Biblical solutions to your fear of abandonment.

Those counselors who specialize in relationship trauma, attachment, and abandonment are specially trained to help those who struggle with their connections to others. They have tools to help you deal with doubts and fears so you can regain control over your emotions and relationships. They can also help you come to a place where you can make and sustain healthy relationships with others.

A Christian counselor can also help you work through shame and self-condemnation which come from internalizing the abandonment. A counselor can help you sort out what is the truth and what are the lies that you have believed about yourself. Christian counselors can create a safe space to process your experiences, explore the roots of your feelings, and put you on the path to wholeness in your relationships.

Next steps

If you are struggling with fear of abandonment, first talk to God about it. He alone knows everything about you and loves you dearly. He is also the One who can heal all your wounds both emotional and physical. Trust Him to do what only He can do.

Second, do some inner work on yourself. Be honest about your present and past and do the work that needs to be done to bring about healing. Lastly, see a professional counselor who can help you work through those places you may not be able to see on your own.

Be patient with yourself. This is an ongoing process that comes through consistent work and discovery. Embrace each step knowing you are closer to healing than you were when you started. As you seek freedom from the fear of abandonment, please consider the help of a therapist. Reach out to me today and together we can explore ways to heal the fear of abandonment you face.