The Art of Stepping Back: A Mother-in-Law’s Guide to the First Year of Marriage

Becoming a mother-in-law can feel a bit like being cast in a new role of a family sitcom – exciting but with a whole new script to follow and the promise of comical drama and a few antics.

You might remember the early days of your own marriage and be eager to offer advice and support to your child and their spouse. But this is real life and not a sitcom that encourages family drama for the sake of ratings. It’s important to remember that while your intentions are good, stepping back can often be better.

Stepping back means avoiding offering unsolicited advice and allowing the couple to figure out their new life together. But here’s the plot twist: stepping back isn’t about withdrawing your love or involvement. You might feel tempted to jump in with advice or a helping hand when you see an issue, but the key is to strike a balance.

As comedian Phyllis Diller humorously said, “The only way to get along with your in-laws is to stay at least fifty miles away.” Of course, that doesn’t have to mean that you keep a literal distance from your married child and their spouse. But it does rightfully suggest that you take a thoughtful approach to offering support, just as a cheerleader on the sidelines.

Patience and Grace

As a Christian, you are called to support and love others, including your married child. However, that support should only be doled out with a large dose of patience and a generous amount of grace. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

This wisdom should be applied to your role as a mother-in-law. You should only offer support with kindness rather than imposing your opinions. Your love and prayers can be powerful tools in creating a positive relationship with your child and their spouse.

How to Be a Good Mother-in-Law

Here are some pieces of advice to help you be the best mother-in-law you can be:

Hold Your Tongue Do not comment negatively to or about your child’s spouse. It’s important to bite your tongue unless you are certain that speaking up is necessary. As a rule of thumb, it’s not necessary 99% of the time. When you do need to address something, do so with love and patience.

Accept Your Role Understand that you will never be your daughter-in-law’s or son-in-law’s mother. They will naturally want to spend more time with their own mothers than with you. To bridge this gap, aim to build a positive relationship with their moms and become a delightful grandmother.

Keep the Invitation Open Make every effort to attend family gatherings such as birthdays, holidays, or special occasions. Bring gifts for your in-laws and offer to host events at your home.

Collaborate, Don’t Compete Avoid competing with your child’s spouse or their family. Instead, focus on collaborating and supporting each other. This approach creates harmony and builds stronger relationships.

Take a Step Back Recognize your place in the family dynamic. Be present, but not overbearing. Ensure you have a fulfilling life outside your family relationships, and allow your children and their spouses to lead their own lives.

Be There When Needed Demonstrate your commitment to providing emotional support when necessary. Whether through visits, calls, or messages, try to be available and show your love and support.

Accept the Facts Understand that complete compatibility is rare. Your married child and their spouse will lead their own lives, and you should respect their independence. As the older generation, it’s often your role to adapt and maintain positive relationships.

Maintain Your Own Marriage and Relationships A healthy relationship with your spouse and friends provides a strong foundation for supporting your family. Nurture these connections as a balanced life outside of your family will help you stay grounded and maintain perspective.

Set and Respect Healthy Boundaries Establish clear boundaries to avoid overstepping. Communicate your boundaries kindly and respect those of your child and their spouse. This mutual respect helps to create a healthy and harmonious relationship with everyone involved.

Celebrate Their Differences Embrace and celebrate the differences between your family and your child’s new family. Recognize that diversity in family and cultural traditions and values can enrich family life rather than create conflicts.

Seeking Help

If you find it challenging to step into this new dynamic, seek guidance from a Christian therapist. They can provide strategies for managing your role and offer a neutral perspective to help you support your family while maintaining healthy boundaries. Therapy can be a safe place to explore your feelings and develop the skills needed to be a loving, supportive mother-in-law without stepping on toes.

When to Step In

If you notice signs of abuse or serious issues that could harm the couple, it is appropriate to step in and offer assistance. Address these situations with care and seek professional advice if needed to ensure that your approach prioritizes the well-being of all involved.

It may also be appropriate to step in if you see a financial need that you can help meet. Be respectful and full of grace when approaching the couple should you decide to step in and help.

Being a Good Mother-in-Law

Being a mother-in-law is a unique role that comes with its own set of challenges and rewards. Remember the art of stepping back is not about withdrawing but rather stepping back with love and intention. In doing so, you create a space for growth and harmony in your family and become a cherished support rather than an overbearing presence.

Has becoming a mother-in-law been a challenge that you are struggling to handle alone? Now is a great time to seek help and learn the skills you need to navigate your new role. Contact our office today to meet with one of the therapists at our location. Start becoming the mother-in-law you want to be.