Overcoming Codependency by Building Better Boundaries

Codependency is an unhealthy relationship dynamic where one person gives someone whatever they demand and emotionally manipulates them. This might sound like a hostage situation, and truly it can look like one from the outside! From this standpoint, overcoming codependency is vital.

The people involved might know deep down that the dynamic is unhealthy or damaging, but it feels good to be needed and to have your needs met, so they ignore the red flags and keep their boundaries low for each other.

Whatever the context of the codependency, both participants are locked in a cycle of covering their issues, rather than facing them. Codependent people have found someone who will provide them with the emotional and practical fulfillment they’ve been yearning for, at the expense of their mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Broken boundaries

A large part of overcoming codependency lies in building better boundaries. In a codependent relationship, both the giver and the receiver often have issues with boundaries. People pleasers struggle with saying “No” to others, and narcissistic receivers have an issue with being told “No.”

Poor boundaries for givers can look like:

• Taking on other people’s problems.
• Allowing people to ask too much of you.
• Not expressing your needs or expecting others to mind-read.
• Allowing others to drain you.
• Not being aware of or ignoring your emotions.
• Not prioritizing your well-being.
• Being reckless with your finances or trying to “buy” people’s affection.
• Expecting someone to save you from your problems.

Poor boundaries for receivers can look like:

• Expecting people to be available to you as and when you need them.
• Believing you have the right to people’s time, space, and resources.
• Not being direct with your needs and instead manipulating people for what you want.
• Rewarding “good” behavior with praise and affection.
• Punishing “bad” behavior with distance and silence.

Regardless of which side you fall on in a codependent relationship, it can be tremendously difficult to acknowledge any of these traits. As with most emotional issues, your tendency might be to shrink away in shame. However, not only is it possible to tackle these issues, but doing so will open you to forming healthy relationships with people.

Better boundaries

Better boundaries for givers can look like trusting that voice that whispers, “Not this time,” or even, “Not right now,” and acting on it. Disappointing other’s expectations for the moment could result in you having a better mindset overall, and that is not selfish. It is also not selfish to express your feelings or state your preferences because you matter.

If you find your emotional energy being drained by someone, it is not unkind to avoid interactions with them. If you have to spend time with them, you could focus on doing an activity that refuels you after, like taking a walk or having a pamper session later that evening. Boundaries are not so much about saying “No” to others as much as they are about permitting yourself to do what you prefer or enjoy.

Building boundaries as a receiver in a codependent relationship is often about remembering to place other’s needs and preferences before your own. You might even need to remind yourself that other people have needs, too, and to lower your expectations of those around you.

At its root, codependency is about reliance on someone else to meet your needs. As a receiver, you must ultimately learn to fulfill your needs without using or receiving from someone else.

You might need to acknowledge your feelings more and express them instead of manipulating people emotionally. Your feelings and needs are as valid and important as the people you rely on and your worth is not rooted in how much others do for you.

Just because someone has not responded to your late-night text message or told you “No” when you asked for something, does not mean you are not worthy of love or that they hate you. Someone else’s boundaries are not about you; they have put boundaries in place for themselves, and it’s a good idea for you to do the same.

Overcoming codependency

Long-lasting change comes from making small decisions each day. If you have been part of a codependent relationship with poor boundaries for a long time, any change can be jarring and hard to accept. Ultimately, making better boundaries for yourself will begin to help heal your inner wounds, ensuring that you will be better able to love others healthily.

If you are struggling to overcome codependency or to build better boundaries, a Christian counselor in Keller, Texas could help. Some counselors offer group therapy sessions where you can work with other people facing similar struggles. Contact us at Keller Christian Counseling in Texas if you would like to connect with a counselor and begin working on yourself. We will set up an appointment with a therapist from our directory that suits your needs.