Dealing with Competition in a Supposed Friendship

Most of us like healthy competition. Just look at the popularity of football. Scan the stands of any given game and you will see it filled with people wearing a specific color, rooting for their favorite team.

We see competition in the business world too. Every business is vying for your patronage through flashy television ads, unbeatable app deals, and clever signage. Competition is inescapable and can be healthy. After all, it’s the desire to win the game or the contract or even the heart of a potential romantic partner that drives us to be our best. But competition has no place in friendship.

Okay, so maybe it has some place within friendship, but it shouldn’t be the foundation of it and it certainly shouldn’t exist just to create chaos and strife. I’m not referring to a heated game of Uno or who can run the fastest. These types of competitive activities might even bond you to each other (assuming everyone is a good sport about it). But when competition in a friendship turns from a way to bond with another person to a method in which to belittle them, it’s time to reassess the dynamics of your relationship.

Friends who engage in toxic competition often exhibit behaviors that undermine the trust in the relationship, create imbalances, and build walls. They might constantly try to “one-up” your achievements, responding to every success with their own stories of superiority or dismissing your accomplishments as mere luck. They may downplay your efforts, minimizing your hard work and the dedication you put into achieving your goals.

In some cases, this competitive streak manifests in the form of jealousy-fueled criticism, where they belittle your choices or make you feel guilty for enjoying your own success. Even trivial matters may turn into a competition such as who knows more or who had a worse day, which can turn everyday life into a rivalry.

Toxic friends show their competitiveness by undermining your confidence and sabotaging your efforts to keep you from overshadowing them. How do they do this? There are several tactics that I often see. They might discourage you from reaching your goals or cast doubt on your abilities. They might even mimic an aspect of your life (that they secretly admire), only to outdo you and then claim originality.

They might exploit your vulnerabilities, using your insecurities or your past mistakes to diminish you and elevate themselves. In social settings, these toxic behaviors may intensify through gossip, spreading rumors and secrets, or by excluding you in an effort to isolate you and position themselves as superior.

Toxic friends also have the tendency to monopolize conversations with self-centered bragging. They might dismiss your struggles and offer backhanded compliments that can erode your self-esteem. Their constant need for attention and validation from others creates drama and can undermine the intimacy that you have established in your relationship.

Unless it’s over a friendly game of Monopoly, competition can ruin a relationship. God has called us to be in relationships that challenge us to be the best version of ourselves, point us toward Him, and fulfill us in ways that reflect the loving relationship that God has with us.

When a friendship becomes toxic, it’s wise to seek support from God through prayer and from a licensed mental health specialist. Therapy offers you a safe place to unpack your emotions, rebuild your confidence, and make a strategic plan to develop healthier connections. If you are ready to meet with a licensed therapist call our office today for more information.