Is it Possible for Kids to Control their Emotions? A Child Therapist Weighs In

“Can you please pick that up?”
“We don’t draw on the walls.”
“The rule is no screens after 5 pm.”
“Are you ready to brush your teeth?”
“Will you please help by cleaning up the toys?”
“Just do as I said!”
“If you don’t get in the car, then I’m going to take away the iPad for good!”

We try to communicate limits to our children in many ways, but many of those ways are often ineffective. Limits communicated with negotiating, requesting, threatening, or even “we” language are typically ineffective, can cause confusion, and increase tension.

Self-regulation is the skill of managing difficult emotions, and it is a learned skill. One of the most effective ways to help children learn how to control their emotions involves opportunities to practice through limit-setting.

Child-Parent Relationship Therapy provides researched and evidenced-based forms of therapeutic responses and effective limit-setting language for parents, teachers, and various caregivers to use with children. One of the most effective forms of limit-setting language is called the A-C-T!

A-C-T

Acknowledge the feelings, wants, and wishes (empathically)
Communicate the limit (factually)
Target the alternative (what can they do?)

Acknowledge the emotions, wants, and wishes

CPRT provides important reminders when it comes to the ways children communicate emotions and attempt to connect.

Children connect through emotions, including negative emotions. Children may also try to connect through attention-seeking, hurt, anger, etc. Irritating connections are still connections or attempts at connection.

Feelings are communicated through behaviors, and feelings are not a problem to be fixed. When a child expresses certain feelings, it can create a sense of powerlessness in parents, which leads to anger. Parents often try to resolve the unpleasant emotions in themselves and their children by attempting to cut off the emotion, deny the emotion, or rescue it.

This can look like responding to children with statements such as, “STOP! Just cut it out!” or “You don’t really feel that way.” Or parents give in to the demands of the child just to make the annoyance or aggravation cease.

Ultimately, attempts at correcting, stifling, or rescuing children from negative emotions communicate to the child that the child cannot handle negative emotions and neither can the parent.

However, children learn to self-regulate and handle difficult emotions by experiencing them. Therefore, It’s important to show acceptance of the feeling even when the behavior is unacceptable. Additionally, when a child experiences that their message is heard, they no longer have a need to act it out.

For this reason, it is important to acknowledge the feelings, wants, and wishes of the child as part of limit-setting. It’s most important to remember that the majority of communication is non-verbal, so tone and body language are everything! 

Notice the difference –

Scenario 1 without acknowledging: 

Your young child is playing with a toy. Suddenly, your child throws the toy hard on the ground and yells. You respond with a tone of frustration, “Hey! Stop! What are you doing? We don’t throw things! Use your big boy words.”

Then what typically happens? The child’s message wasn’t heard, so the message begins to get bigger and louder. The child may begin to yell more and start throwing other items, or throw themselves on the floor, may run off crying, or hide, etc.

Scenario 2 with acknowledging: 

Your young child is playing with a toy. Suddenly, your child throws the toy hard on the ground and yells. You respond with a tone of concern and empathy, “You feel angry. Something really upset you.”

Your child likely begins to regulate. You have the child’s attention, and unwanted behaviors are not escalating. Then you move to communicate the limit with alternatives.

Communicate the limit

Communicate clear, specific, concise, and matter-of-fact limits. Factual language is non-shaming and clear, making it easier to understand and follow.

When setting limits, it’s important to consider,

• Is this limit necessary?
• Can I consistently enforce this limit?
• If I don’t set a limit, can I consistently enforce this behavior?

Some examples of factually stated limits include:

“People are not for hitting, kicking, or biting.”
“Toys are not for breaking.”
“The couch is not for jumping on.”
“My glasses are not for playing with.”
“The wall is not for drawing on.”
“It’s time to go to bed.”
“You have 5 minutes left on the iPad.”
“Screen time is over for today.”

But what can the child do?

Target the alternative

Children live moment to moment, especially young children. Sometimes, all they can see is the moment they are in. Targeting alternatives helps empower children by showing them what they can do, and what they can choose, and helps them see beyond the present moment. They will have another opportunity to play with that toy, or use the iPad, etc.

It’s also helpful to use your body language to direct the child’s attention to the alternative, rather than just relying on verbal redirection.

So all together now!

A – You feel angry and upset.
C – The toys are not for throwing.
T – You can draw a picture and show me how you feel. / You can crumple up this paper and throw the paper.

A – You are mad at me, and you want me to know how upset you are.
C – I am not for yelling at or talking to that way.
T – You can tell me how you feel without yelling, or you can draw a picture and show me how you feel.

A – You are having so much fun, it’s hard to stop and go to bed.
C – Right now it’s time to go to bed.
T – You can play again tomorrow. Which book would you like to read before bed?

A – You are having so much fun on the iPad that you don’t want to stop.
C – Screen time is over for today.
T – You can plug the iPad back in over there (pointing to the location), or you can give the iPad to me (extending your hand and pointing to the palm of your open hand).

Be a patient, broken record. Using the child’s name helps get the child’s attention. It may be necessary to repeat A-C-T several times for it to register with the child, and for the child to bring himself/herself under control.

Urgent or Dangerous Matters

In some situations, you may need to start with the limit.

C – Your sister is not for hitting (you may need to physically intervene or stand in between them).
A – You are mad and you want her to know she upset you.
T – You can tell her with your words how you feel / You can draw a picture and show her how you feel.

Consistency = A Sense of Safety & Security

When A-C-T and similar tools are applied with consistency, the child experiences,

“Mom and Dad mean what they say. I can trust them. I’m not able to manipulate them with my behavior or words. They are steadfast. They do what they say they will do. When they make a mistake or do or say something hurtful, they apologize and reconcile with me.

Mom and Dad are safe.”

Slowing it Down to Control Emotions

What’s most important right now? The task at hand? The opinions or judgments of others? Getting what I want? Or the relationship?

In the perspective of eternity, the most important thing right now, in this moment, is the relationship.

Limit-setting language for kids is boundary-setting language for adults

The A-C-T works with adults too!

If an adult is communicating with a passive aggressive communication style (indirect messages of negative feelings), you can use A-C-T to clarify your boundary of communication. Passive aggressive communication may look like them giving you the silent treatment, providing minimal eye contact, giving you the cold shoulder while claiming nothing is wrong, or making indirect statements of disappointment or disagreement.

A – You are upset with me and you want me to feel that you are upset.
C – I’m not ok with being treated with silent treatments or (name the specific behavior or acknowledge the specific statement).
T – I’ll be over here when you’re ready to talk about it.

Maybe someone is yelling at you over the phone:

A – You are angry and upset about this, and you wish I had a different answer.
C – I’m not willing to discuss any further while you are yelling at me,
T – but I’m happy to talk through your frustrations if you are willing to talk about it without yelling.

Additional Resources The A-C-T requires that the parent practice self-regulation, and invites the child to do the same. Dr. Dan Seigel explains what’s happening in the brain during these moments in his “Hand Brain Model” – https://youtu.be/qFTljLo1bK8?feature=shared

What about when the interaction gets complicated with siblings? Look no further than the empowering and evidence-based tools in this book – “Siblings Without Rivalry” by Adele Faber ; Elaine Mazlish.

To learn more about therapeutic responses to use with your children, check out, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber; Elaine Mazlish.

Helping Your Child Control Their Emotions

I’m having a hard time applying A-C-T with just reading examples. I would like to discuss in person and maybe role-play! What about when there is a need for consequences? How do I help my child build self-confidence? How do I minimize the tension in our house and increase connection?

If you would be interested in learning more skills from CPRT, I would love to discuss options for providing you with this life-changing material! You can start by contacting our office today.

All information in this article is adapted from:
Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: An Evidence-Based 10-Session Filial Therapy Model, 2nd Edition, by Bratton, S.; Landreth, G. New York: Routledge.