Attachment Issues in Relationships: How to Become Securely Attached

Relationships are complex. They are unique, beautiful, stressful, and full of blessings and challenges. The relationships that we have in our formative childhood can significantly impact our adult relationships, including our romantic ones. The different styles we develop in early childhood are based on our interactions with our caregivers. These attachment styles can impact the rest of our lives and can lead to attachment issues in relationships.

The four major attachment styles

Secure attachment

Individuals with a secure attachment tend to have healthy, stable relationships. They are comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They trust their partners and communicate effectively. Securely attached individuals are generally supportive and responsive to their partner’s unique needs.

Anxious attachment

People with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and the intimacy that goes with close relationships but worry about their partner’s commitment and availability. They may be more sensitive to perceived rejection or abandonment and might exhibit clinginess, neediness, or intense emotional responses. This can lead to cycles of dependency and reassurance-seeking in relationships and the need for validation.

Avoidant attachment

Those with an avoidant attachment style value independence and self-sufficiency, often to the detriment of close relationships. They may be uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and tend to keep partners at a distance, which can lead to difficulties in forming deep, meaningful connections. They might appear distant or unresponsive to their partner’s needs.

Disorganized attachment

Individuals with a disorganized attachment style often experience a mix of anxious and avoidance tendencies, usually resulting from past trauma or inconsistent caregiving. Their behavior in relationships can be unpredictable and erratic, leading to instability and confusion for both themselves and their partners.

Impact of attachment issues in relationships

Understanding your attachment style can help you recognize patterns in your relationships. Knowing your partner’s attachment style can also be beneficial, as it helps you understand each other’s needs and can help you improve relational dynamics. Here are some specific ways that attachment styles can impact relationships.

Communication

Securely attached individuals tend to communicate openly and effectively. Those with anxious or avoidant styles might struggle with expressing their needs or understanding their partner’s emotions.

Conflict resolution

Secure attachments promote healthy conflict resolution. Anxious or avoidant styles can lead to escalated conflicts or withdrawal from confrontation.

Trust and dependence

Secure attachment allows for trust and mutual dependence between partners in a relationship. Anxious attachment might result in over-dependence and avoidant attachment might lead to under-dependence or emotional distance.

Emotional intimacy

Secure individuals are generally comfortable with emotional closeness. In contrast, avoidant individuals might resist intimacy. Anxious individuals might seek it excessively, creating imbalance.

How to become securely attached.

The good news is that no matter your current attachment style, you can develop a secure one. Unhealthy styles are developed through negative interactions and relationships. In the same way, positive relationships, with God and healthy people, can unravel the insecurities that have been developed in you and create new, healthy attachments.

To transition from an insecure to a secure attachment style, you need to find steady, loving, and trustworthy individuals. These healing relationships might be through your spouse, friend, therapist, or church leader. Healthy and reliable relationships will help to form new neural pathways.

Your relationship with God can help to create a secure attachment style for earthly relationships. Earthly parents, even the best ones, have human limitations that can distort your perception of God and create an insecure attachment style toward people.

Identify and list the characteristics of your childhood caregivers, then compare them to the biblical definition of love. It’s likely that you will see significant differences between how people have loved you and how God loves His children. God is infinitely more attentive, kind, and good than earthly caregivers. Ask God for clarity and search the Scriptures for His true nature. Recognize that God’s love and care surpass human imperfections and limitations.

Therapeutic approaches

If you need a little help in learning how to become more securely attached to the people in your life, consider seeking therapy. A therapist can help you determine your attachment style and the events that have formed it. In fact, simply knowing your style can help you become more secure in your relationships.

Your therapist will help you develop a more positive self-image, help you purge toxic relationships, give you tools for expressing your emotions, and help you work through past negative experiences.

For many, the act of attending sessions with a reliable, stable, and consistent therapist is healing. A therapist at Keller Christian Counseling in Texas will interact with you with empathy, patience, respect, and many other qualities that were absent in your interactions with your abusive or neglectful caregivers.

If therapy for your attachment issues in relationships would benefit you or a loved one, please contact our office today at Keller Christian Counseling in Texas.