Personal Development: How to Communicate Better

How To Communicate Better: 6 things which get to the heart of the issue

No two people can effectively work together, live together, or abide together in some way without a good communication system. Whenever you see a harmonious relationship – individuals striving toward the same goals according to the same standards, and with mutual assistance and sweet companionship, you can be assured that they have learned the art of how to communicate better.

There is simply no way for continuous, progressive agreement to exist without these key skills. While there are indeed many practical elements to good communication, the reason why we find it so difficult to get right often comes down to a heart issue. If we really want to enjoy strong, interpersonal relationships, we need to examine these six things and see if there are any areas where we are falling short and decide how we will address them.

It all starts with mutual openness and honesty

The Bible contains many situations where the importance of knowing how to communicate better is demonstrated. In Paul’s second letter to the church in Corinth, he highlights how a lack of openness and honesty had led to a breakdown in the relationship between himself and individuals in the church.

He wrote to them to correct the matter and restore peace, with his letter both denying the validity of their charges (“…We have wronged no one; we have betrayed or corrupted no one; we have cheated or taken advantage of no one…- 2 Corinthians 7:2) and holding the Corinthians culpable (“You lack room in your own affections for us…Do not open your hearts to us again – enlarge them to take us in – 2 Corinthians 6:12, 7:2).

Essentially, he was saying that while he had acted with honesty and openness, this had not been reciprocated. Scripture speaks about situations where it is right to disregard, forgive, or forget the annoyance caused by another person (1 Peter 4:8, Proverbs 10:12), but if this cannot or should not be done, the issue must be lovingly and boldly faced, discussed, and, if possible, resolved.

In marriage, the closest of all relationships, apart from our relationship with God Himself, if two people are going to know one another well, they need to open up and reveal themselves to each other. Too often, couples end up in counseling because they simply have not shared honestly about their feelings. Being able to do this opens up a channel of communication that is otherwise blocked by an invisible barrier.

Self-control is a requirement for good communication

There can be many reasons why openness and honesty do not exist in a relationship, but often, these elements have been eroded through a pattern of negative responses. When we feel like it is important to share what is on our mind with someone, we would do well to first examine what we need to say and why. This is the first step in knowing how to communicate better and with self-control.

These questions can guide our efforts: Is this the proper time for me to say it, or would it be better to wait for another time? Is my attitude right, or deep down am I really communicating in order to stir up conflict? Are the words that I’ll use the best possible way of saying it? Have I prayed about the matter, and am I trusting God to help me?

Then, on the receiving side, it takes self-control to listen to someone’s honest sharing, which may well be a grievance, and not react by losing one’s temper or retreating, but rather actively listening and accepting what is being said without being defensive.

The Bible says a lot about the power of our speech

The adage of sticks and stones being able to hurt, but that words hold no destructive power could not be further from the truth. The Bible contains numerous references asserting that our words can be painful and dangerous, likening them to ‘the piercing of a sword’ (Proverbs 12:18), a cup of poison (Proverbs 12:18), or the burning of a fire (James 3:5-8).

When we speak without exercising self-control, we can bring ruin and death to our relationships. To know how to communicate better, we need to be able to honestly evaluate the words that we use, and pray for the Holy Spirit to help us in using speech that is uplifting and edifying, rather than words that break the other person down.

People who joke about having “a short fuse” are sugar-coating what is not a playful matter at all. They may vent and hurl hateful, careless, and cutting words at people, and may even seem quick to ‘get over it’, but sadly, the damage has been done.

No one enjoys living at the foot of an active volcano, having hot lava being poured over them regularly. Nor is it pleasant to live on top of a time bomb that goes off at frequent intervals, becoming easily irritated and touchy. When we fail to realize the power of our speech, it will not be long before a communication problem arises, as it is difficult to be open with someone who reacts with verbal vitriol.

Beware the silent retreat or crocodile tears

In addition to having self-control over our words, other forms of self-control are equally important to good communication. While an individual may pride themselves on not reacting when provoked, there is a difference between choosing not to retaliate and retaliating in a different way: with a silent retreat.

If this is a person’s usual way of responding to conflict, opposition, honest differences of opinion, criticism, or disagreement, they will find that they never develop a close relationship with anyone, unless they learn how to communicate better. This better approach means facing difficult conversations calmly and respectfully, to fully discuss the matter.

Some individuals also use manipulative tears in the face of disapproval or conflict. Crying out of genuine hurt and concern is one thing, but when it becomes a habitual response to hard situations and is motivated by self-pity, this reaction will clog the circuits of good relational communication, especially in a marriage.

Putting on a charitable, forgiving spirit

Being able to control our harsh words or habitual response of retreating from conflict is one thing, but the Bible says that just abstaining from these things is not enough, if we are looking for ways to communicate better, we will replace our judgemental, critical, demanding, officious, demeaning, bitter spirit with a charitable, encouraging, forbearing, accepting spirit.

Ephesians 4:2 admires us to ‘live as becomes us – with complete lowliness of mind and meekness with patience, bearing with one another and making allowances, because you love one another’. Verse 29 commands us to use only speech that is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, and verse 32 instructs us to become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven us.

This in no way encourages us to condone sin or evil, but rather to embrace an attitude of complete commitment, loyalty, fidelity, sensitivity, and unselfishness. We know that this is just not possible to do consistently without the help of the Holy Spirit, who is the only one who can help change our hearts.

Good listening is a critical skill

There is no more important principle on how to communicate better than to truly grasp what effective listening looks like. It means giving the other person your full attention and letting them speak and share what is on their mind without interrupting.

Too often we try to ‘multi-task’ while engaging with someone, without realizing that it gives the impression that we do not value their opinion. Then, we can ‘tune them out’ and assume that we have understood what they are saying, while often what we think they mean and what they do mean are two different things.

We can tend to assume the worst in what they are saying when we should give them the benefit of the doubt. Trying to see things from the other person’s perspective may require repeating back what has been said to them so that they are satisfied that you do understand. Or it might mean asking them to explain it differently for it to make sense.

Knowing how to communicate better will dramatically transform our relationships. At the heart of it, though, comes the willingness to own up to the sin that so often comes to the surface when we speak or react, and to confess it to God, asking for His help in changing us.

For additional assistance in learning better communication skills, contact our offices and we can find you a faith-based counselor to help you. Make your first appointment today.